Growing Up Without Two Parents

There’s a lot of people in the world who grow up without one of their parents being present; some people even grow up without two. It’s not right, every child should have both parents, but its life. We all choose this life with one energy and one consciousness, but have different labyrinths in this life cycle to help us evolve into our greatest self. I’m deeply sorry to anyone who has lost their parent(s) to an unfortunate situation like the ending of their human experience; I’m deeply sorry for your loss and I send positive vibrations your way to continue healing. For anyone who may have lost their parent(s) to incarceration, I’m really sorry and I hope that relationship can still be built while they’re away. I pray for a miracle and they’re granted early release. For those who have parent(s) that abandoned them, it’s okay. Don’t internalize their absence, lack of effort, and their behavior as your own fault. Don’t feel like a burden, don’t feel like you’re too much, because you’re not. You’re a gift.

For those who may not know, I grew up without my mom present in my life. Think about your mom, your relationship with her, how you feel about Mother’s Day, how you feel when you’re sad and she holds you down, how you feel when you’re sick and she kisses your forehead while holding you, walking in the house and her being there to hug you. Think about that and think about the feeling you get while visualizing it. Think about how it feels having her in your life. Think about how much she’s done for you. It’s a beautiful feeling right? Now imagine if you never experienced that. Imagine if you were teased a few times with that feeling but it never stayed and it was never full; just a tease. That’s how I felt, that’s how I feel, and I don’t know if that feeling will ever go away. I don’t know what it feels like to be excited for Mother’s Day, go shopping to get your mom a nice gift and that shit hurts, always has. Everyday of my life I’ve tried to make sense of things and it hurts even more when I try. I don’t know why, I don’t know if I should go to therapy, I don’t know if I should just say, “Fuck it,” I just don’t know. But every time it comes to me, the thoughts and the feelings, its the same sharp pain in my chest I had when I was in kindergarten and my teacher said, “Take this home for your mother to sign this,” but I didn’t have a mom at home to sign it.

I’m not here to bash my mom by any means, I’m just here to express myself. I don’t think she’s a bad woman at all, I don’t think she’s a bad mom. She has six other kids, I’m literally the middle child; two girls and one boy older than I, and two boys and one girl younger than I. I’m directly in the middle. They live in Florida, my birthplace. From their perspective and hers, she’s done an amazing job as a mother. As well as works her ass off to provide, loves hard, cares for everybody, nurtures them, all of that. But like I said, it’s from their perspective and experience with her. My experience and perspective is different. I’m not saying she’s a bad person but she was never any of that for me. There could be a reason for it that I’m ignorant to, but I just never had the same experience. In 20 years of my life, I’ve never really felt like I was loved. I never truly felt cared for.  I felt I was more of a mistake, a burden, and forgotten than anything. Anybody can rebuttal, anybody can give stories as to why things were how they were, you can make up anything in the world. That’s cool. Taking care of six kids has to be hard and draining, I get it; but I’m one of the kids too, there’s seven of us. I make seven. I didn’t ask to be born. Even if there was a secret conversation with my dad or whoever else telling her, “Don’t worry. I got him. I’ll take good care of him.” I still needed my mother.  I didn’t say that I approve of that decision if it happened, somebody else may have, but not me. They can’t speak on my behalf because they don’t know how I feel. I’m not even talking about money. I never received child support or installments, but that’s neither here or there. I don’t care about that. I was just never invested into emotionally, mentally, or spiritually and it fucking hurts. These days I spend my time trying to face myself, my scars, and trying to heal. It hurts more now than ever because I have more time to think, I have more time to feel, and it all comes in a rush sometimes.

Credit to my dad, he’s always spoken highly of her. Never any ill comments. As a kid I always had ideologies of who my mom was and what she may have been like in head. I had old pictures and she visited once when I was in head start, or pre-k. They were there visiting us for a while, her and my siblings. Best time ever. I look just like her, literally a spitting image. I could see me in her. I was a momma’s boy at heart and here she was, I was with my mom. After they left, I’d sit in front of the door sometimes thinking she may come back to share those times again. She may pop up by surprise to be here for good. I used to do that all of the time until I was about 13 or 14 when I finally gave up hope. I’ll just sit in the living room, imagining my mother was coming through the door in at any moment to surprise me. When I was six and first started playing contact football, my dad told me to picture the end zone being Florida and my mom standing there. Try to get to her every time. Go back and look at my highlights, even when I was younger. I wasn’t running touchdowns to put points on the board, I visualized that shit so vividly that I fooled myself to thinking she was really there and I wanted to be there with her. But I was wrong, she didn’t come back and I didn’t get to see her for so many years after.

I’ve been down to Florida to visit her a few times, a handful of times. I literally have a handful of experiences with my mom; her coming up to see me and me going down to Florida. The crazy part is, they were all more than great and in my heart I knew that was my mom. It’s like even if I’ve never met my mom or seen a picture of her, when I first seen her and hugged her, I could feel that I came from her. I can look at her, look in her eyes and actually see I came from her. But it sucks because it was just a tease. None of them were consistent experiences and they all happened at sporadic times throughout my life; so sporadic, I can’t even really give you a vivid and accurate timeline. When I was with her she was great, amazing, and I seen the mom that the other six kids rave about. I’ve never had a bad time being around my mom in those moments we were able to share. But all of those experiences combined don’t come close to my 20 year timeline of life and definitely not enough time to build a relationship and connection. The reason I gave up hope around the age 13, is because of one Mother’s Day. There was a war of words, and it ended with (From my personal memory, that’s vivid, and anybody can share what they think but like I said– can’t tell me I’m wrong) and I quote, “I should’ve just gotten an abortion than to let someone else raise my child.” So since somebody else did in fact raise me, then what does that leave you with? Should’ve gotten an abortion. It’s easy to say, “You shouldn’t have taken it that way” but I was 13 and then that followed with me and the siblings getting into it. Shit was fucked up for a few years, me and my brother actually made up and we’re really close now. We’ve never lived together, was never raised under the same roof, or even shared many experiences, but we’re way too much alike and it’s crazy. It’s really, really crazy how much alike we are but he’s the only sibling out of all six I have a real relationship with. No shade or diss to the other five, especially the younger ones, because they don’t really know too much. But my brother, the older one, is the one I have a relationship with.

As petty as it sounds, one of the hardest things to deal with was school and youth sports. You’ll see the moms at the school, kids always with their mom, so many mother’s engaging with their children, at games, being the team mom, at AAU tournaments, at every game, and it was just like — where is my mom. There could 100% be something I was never told, things that have been hidden from me, decisions made I don’t know about, exchange of words I was never told. I don’t doubt that from being a possibility, but it doesn’t negate how I feel about things and my perspective towards things. Growing up, my dad was my coach and trainer. He gave me a lot of tough love and I appreciate it, because I became arguably the best cornerback and punt returner in the entire nation. But at the same time, I didn’t have that balance and it fucked with me. I was never ever proud of myself and looking back at things, I have accomplished a lot. I’ve accomplished a hell of a lot. But never embraced it or enjoyed it because I never had the balance to even realize what I was doing in the present moment. I didn’t feel empowered by my accomplishments after a while, they just became more targets to hit. There was no feeling of joy or happiness there anymore like it should’ve been for me. I would get lectures from my dad and critiqued, the tough love, but never had the mom to walk in the house to and hug me and tell me I’m going good. I’ve always had confidence because I don’t think there was another player that could fuck with me, but how much would you actually be happy and proud of your work if you were always told you didn’t do enough and you should’ve, could’ve, etc? I never had the mom to look at my dad and say, “Robbie leave that boy alone, that’s enough. You’re doing good son.” I know there’s always room for improvement but also too much of anything and a lack of balance is bad. My grandmother was always proud of me and showed me the love I didn’t have from my mother. My grandma tried her absolute best and still does. To be honest, she’s a way better grandma to me than I am a grandson, and I often beat myself up about it. I try to be a great grandson, but you know you hit that age where personal shit and life consumes you, and you look up and its like — “Fuck, I haven’t even talked to my grandma.” That’s how it is and this year I’m trying to be more conscious of that.

Growing up in the inner city, black community, there’s of course more mother’s than father’s taking care of the kids. I appreciate my dad but as a kid, you see more mother’s present and you feel like you’re missing out. Like I said before, I’ll just sit at the door and hope my mom came to surprise me. PTA meetings, parent-teacher conferences, school events, lunch, graduation, I just wish I had a mom to share it with. If my dad was mad at me, I didn’t have a mom to go to and hide under. I just called my grandma. It’s different though, its like even though my grandma has always been there and done more than enough, I just had an emptiness inside of me without my mother being there. Teachers always saying shit like, “Tell your mom to –” like ma’am, I don’t have a mother at home. I’ve always been smart in school and made good grades, I didn’t have a mom to run home and show my report card to. I didn’t have a mom to vent to when I was dealing with an annoying ass teacher. I’ve been club leaders, club presidents, class presidents and more, I’ve done endless speeches at school, and my mom was never there to share it with me. I used to find an empty seat in the audience sometimes and just think maybe that’s the seat she’d sit in if she was just to walk in. But she never walked in and every seat that was empty, stayed empty. I actually did the same thing in sports. I’d always find empty spots in the crowd and wonder if that’s where my mom would’ve chosen to sit if she was there.

Sports were my entirety for a long time; from about the age of 5 until age 19, when I recently chose to part ways from football. My mom has missed all of it. Anybody can rebuttal, anybody can disagree, but I feel like my mom didn’t start to care to at least reach out some until my name started buzzing online and my recruitment jumped off. I started hearing a little more from her when “Robbie Robinson” became a damn near household name. Like I said, anybody can say that’s not the case and it might not be, but that’s how I feel by the timing of some things and I’m not wrong for feeling that way. Her and some of my siblings attended one game, my senior year in high school against American Heritage Plantation in Florida. She was there with a jersey dress, customized in DeMatha colors with my last name and number on the back. Shit was dope as fuck and its like, I wish I had that same energy and support all my life. My dad is a sports mastermind but everybody ain’t built to be his son. Shit looks cool from the outside when you see the rewards from my work, but if a lot y’all were in my shoes y’all would’ve been folded. My dad supported me and was at every game, camp, college visit and more. Never missed anything. My grandma is supportive, but she hates seeing any of her grandkids get hit, so she came to like one or two games a year. I could make a tackle or be running the ball and my grandma will close her eyes. My dad and little sister Kennedy have always been my support system. My aunt and uncle, the Darden’s, they were supportive as hell for Brian but I didn’t get the same energy at all. I’m not their child so I don’t sweat it but that’s just to clear the air because some people always thought they were like, super supportive; yeah to Brian, not me. My aunt always cared though, her husband, he didn’t start (fake) caring until I started getting offers and scholarships. Shit was weak as hell if you ask me. But I’m not their child, so whatever. But I didn’t have my mom there and I wanted my mom there; especially with the energy she brought to the game she made it to, I wish I had that all my life.

At a young age, my dad used to tell me to picture the end zone was Florida and your mom was there. I ran with that image from six year’s old until about 14 when I stopped giving a fuck and knew my mom wasn’t coming to be a mom to me. You see so many mom’s cheering their kids on in the rec league and AAU basketball circuit, every game and tournament; never missing a single trip. I didn’t have that. I wish I did but I didn’t. I wish my mom was the team mom, always did. It’s just something special about having your mom to support you and lean on. Instead, I just always got cursed out and lectured for four hours after practices and games from my dad. Not many people know but I’ve played LaCrosse before. My first year of ever playing LaCrosse, I sucked. I got better as that season went on, my athleticism and aggressiveness got me over, but I didn’t have much of a skill set or pedigree. My ass was trying though. We had a nationals tournament in Myrtle Beach and it was a big game, I made a lucky ass goal to win that shit. My dad was hype as hell. I played on an all white team, everybody on the team lived in a nice neighborhood in the Grafton/Yorktown area, and pretty sure everybody had both parents. So like, my dad was hype and it was cool, but I wish I could’ve shared it with my mom too. I don’t even know if she knows I ever played LaCrosse to be quite honest. Senior year of high school, I had a great game senior night; won the game MVP and scholar-athlete award, but couldn’t share it with my mom. I actually cried that night cause I thought that would be the one day my dad didn’t have shit to say except, “I’m proud of you,” but I was wrong. I got to college, went through all I went through, and never heard from my mom. Didn’t hear from anybody at all to be honest, except my dad and my grandma. I needed my mom or at least a softer side to understand what I was going through. My dad’s passion for football and wanting me to go to the league or whatever clouded his judgment a lot of times, and I don’t blame him. He didn’t have his dad, so he just tried to be what he wish he had, and he wasn’t wrong for any of it. I just didn’t have the balance to keep me sane mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It wasn’t until shit absolutely hit the fan when I finally talked to my mom for the first time about things and at that point, shit was all over the place with my life and my mind.

With women and dating, I never had my mom to consult with. I always wished I did but I learned everything from experience. My dad isn’t a relationship advocate, so I damn sure was never open about things with him, he knows about one girl I’ve dated for sure and that’s probably it. My dad is 100% the last person I’ll introduce a girl to anyway, that man is crazy and he has no filter; if you don’t have tough skin, he joking you out the room and I don’t have time for that shit. My grandma is dope is fuck, way too dope. I don’t let her meet anybody because she has too much sauce, my grandma too dope for any and everybody to meet her, so only my ex has met her. My aunt, she’s cool. I love her. She had a great relationship with my ex and she’s really wise, but she’s not my mom. Its weird but it’s just something that keeps me from opening up all the way because its like, she’s not my mom. I can’t control it and its not intentional, but its just an uncomfortable feeling I get. As I got older, my stepmom became the go-to person at times. She’s really, really cool and she’s really hip. So I’ve discussed more things with her than anybody else. With my two cousins, I never said much or opened up about much, I’m not the type to force shit if it’s not natural. Especially the male cousin, he was scumbag in relationships, and common sense always told me never ask him for advice even if he was the last person on earth. In conclusion, out of everybody, nobody knows a damn thing about 99% of my relations. I’ve learned everything from experience, trial and error, and observation. You know how when women don’t get the love they need from their father, they look for it in other men in desperation? That’s how I was early on until I suffered a few heartbreaks then I switched my entire shit up. I lost trust in women, didn’t allow myself to open up much, emotionally unavailable, no idea how to be a boyfriend, didn’t know how to overcome relationship obstacles, didn’t know what to prepare myself for, how to go on dates, what goes on during a date, a bunch of shit I didn’t know and I learned from trial and error. I actually learned what cheating does to women emotionally from my cousin, the male, I learned more of what not to do than what to follow and apply. I seen how my cousin, the girl, relationships turned out and what she endured, so I learned from those too and applied it. I never was open about anything, just always analyzing and observant.

My dad isn’t married, tried once actually and it didn’t work. During that time, I wasn’t getting the love and attention from him like I needed because he was trying to share the love to the other children, my step-siblings. That shit was a fucking mess. But after they separated and as we got older, I considered them to be my real siblings. But I’ve always been smart and observant and seen how things affected people and I learned what not to do from that. My aunt, my dad’s sister is married, but that marriage from my perspective is boring as hell and not the marriage I want to model if I was to ever pull the trigger. So from what I seen growing up, marriage was a turnoff 100%. Maybe as I get older my thoughts on marriage will change, but I honestly just see it as a contractual obligation; more so a corporate thing than anything. My only dilemma is I don’t want any of my children to be missing out from either parent, so married or not, I want to have the relationship to civilly co-exist and co-parent for the best of the kids; go on family vacations, sporting events, PTA meetings, any and everything together with the kids even if there is me and their mother is not married. Maybe if my parents were married, maybe if they co-parented more intensely, maybe if I’ve seen a dope ass marriage then it would excite me but until then I’m quite unimpressed with marriage. Credit to DeMatha football head coach, Elijah Brooks and his wife Tierra Brooks, as well as the parents of University of Maryland’s running back Lorenzo Harrison for those two marriages gave me some excitement and interest in the thought of marriage. The whole parents not married thing varies person by person I’m sure, but I turned out to not value it nor am I looking forward to it.

• There’s a letter to my mom written below. Be careful, because not all minds are truly ready to grasp this vulnerability and open truth in this. It’s raw in emotion, raw in pain, pure, unreviewed, unedited, uncorrected. It for sure has incorrect sentence structure, grammar, and maybe even spelling within some sentences. It’s pure pain, expression, and a stage of healing. For you to really get it, you just have to close your eyes, think about the pain you’ve been hiding from, and be aligned with that feeling while connecting to my words of expression instead of just reading it as a piece of literature you have a disconnection to. Before reading, prepare yourself to connect to me through the emotions of hurt and pain. Let it soak you in as you read to not only understand, but truly feel.

To my mom if you ever stumble upon this:

And these days, I just need you more than ever. Everything I missed. The hugs, the kisses, you cursing me out, cursing my dad out for being too hard on me, being able to show you my sensitive side, being able to be expressive with emotion. I missed it all. I never knew I would need it, I thought everything would be fine and I would never be affected, but I think its life. I think life forces you in situations where you become forced to face yourself and face what’s in your core. I think no matter how much you try to mask the pain or replace it with other things, I think life will eventually lead you to a place in life where you’re forced to heal from the wound or go crazy trying to hide it. I’m not saying I’m healed but this is the start to it; me writing and expressing my pain openly is the start to my healing. Not to show it off to the world to shame anybody, but more so to finally let the hurt out, and to allow my heart to comfort someone else in knowing the fact they aren’t hurting alone. Everybody changed up momma, I don’t know what love is anymore. And that shit only hurt cause I never thought life would get this way momma. I thought they loved me enough to be behind me with whatever. I thought they loved me enough to be open enough to listen and understand. I thought they loved me enough to care about me being happy rather than trying to please them and make them happy. Only thing that keeps me sedated is facing blunts and going to Pluto momma. That shit heal all the pain. Fighting demons and manifesting new realities, my thoughts and feelings are too deep for a therapist momma. I get world changing visions everyday too. I wish you could see what I see momma. I got a plan of action to take over the world and heal humanity. I wish we were closer and I could share it all with you, maybe you’d understand me momma. Maybe you would’ve been able to see your son different. It’s not your fault mom, but maybe you would’ve reacted better if I told you I was depressed instead of telling my dad. Maybe you would’ve been able to see in my eyes that the soul you were looking into becomes fulfilled empowering other people and helping build people into better versions of themselves unapologetically and fearlessly rather than just making tackles, running back punts, and intercepting passes. Maybe you would’ve been able to let my dad know he was getting too caught up in the trainer-player relationship rather than father-son, maybe you could’ve avoided all of this shit I’m going through now. I just be sitting here trying not to go crazy and stay patient momma. How the hell could they leave me alone like this? How everybody just switch up and turn their back? Maybe you would’ve seen that my interest was more into Mark Zuckerburg and Steve Jobs than Deion Sanders and Lester Hayes. Maybe when I wore bottoms with no mouth piece on the football field you’d know I’m more like you than I am any other person in the world, and we hardly spent any time together in these last 20 years. My dad was caught up in football, he wouldn’t even have been excited. But maybe I could’ve told you about this computer I built on accident early in high school before I cared about tech and this tech kid was impressed by my ability without any knowledge on it or experience. It turned me on to the possibilities of what I could do and contribute to the tech industry, which I know is the industry that will soon control the entire speck of dust we live on. I know you were a queen pin. Maybe you would’ve seen it in my eyes that I was keeping a secret for years. A secret that I was selling late middle school, damn near all high school to keep from ever asking my dad for money since he payed so much in child support and I hated to be another burden for him so I just wanted to get it myself. Maybe when my dad seen the empty pill bottles in my bag that one day you could’ve been there for that trigger to go off inside your head. You probably would’ve smacked me in the head but maybe you would’ve laughed at the fact how strong your genetics are. We could’ve laughed at the fact I was making more a month than some adults were who actually had a day job. What’s even funnier is I didn’t know what to do with the money. I’d just spend it on food, and buying other people stuff. Just big donations towards the less fortunate, I donated more than anything and I always got everybody a present on the holiday’s. Looking back, it was nothing but God cause I never got caught. We could’ve even laughed at your past. Maybe now, even with spending so much time apart you’d reallyyyy understand how much of me is you. Maybe being the softer version and understanding version I’ve always needed, you could’ve told my dad stop being mad at me for always being on my phone when I was younger and just asked what I was looking at. Maybe you would’ve asked. Maybe you would’ve seen I was actually reading and looking up stuff rather than just on social media and texting girls like he thought. Maybe you could’ve sat down on my bed with your friends and y’all could’ve jokingly have told me how y’all always wanted to be treated by men, so I knew how to love and embrace a woman the right way. Maybe you could’ve taught me how to love a woman, my partner, how to be expressive, how to listen better, how to be more understanding, knowing a woman’s thoughts and emotions better. Maybe I wouldn’t have to had learned from heartbreak, experience, and observation. But I promise it’s not your fault. Maybe you would’ve helped me dip in to the visual arts and interior designing of homes like I like. I’m heterosexual but I’m intrigued by how women put together outfits and their care in the design and detail in accessories way further than men could see. Maybe you would’ve helped me understand the in’s and out’s of it all like I’ve always wanted me to know. Maybe we could’ve started this fashion designing venture I’ve always wanted to go on with each other. Maybe you’d be the one to understand that I need more support and investment now than I did when I was playing ball. Maybe you would be the one to understand the idea to rebuild communities, thriving economies in under developed communities, building academies and community centers gives me more of a spark, a spark I need to chase and you could be the one to help my dad understand it all better. Maybe you would be the one to be able to translate it all cause he was so big off the fact knowing that there was no wide receiver in all of the land who could win a 1 on 1 war with his son. I mean, imagine that. I know it hurts. Knowing your son is the best youngin doing what he’s doing, you built it, and it’s what you always wanted to do then he just wants to stop is hard to understand. We went from city to city, state to state, fucking up camps and clamping receivers the crackers was dick riding. Just me and him. But that shit pointless momma, it’s no substance to it. It’s a trap momma, that shit an illusion momma. Nobody sees it but I do, I feel it. Maybe you could’ve been the one to let my dad know to remove his pride and listen to me, just actually listen. Not always to my words but where my attention was and my body language, and even when he tries, don’t listen from his perception and be open to mind. Maybe everything that was is what’s best. There’s so many other scenarios that could’ve played out. My dad’s a great man, but who knows, I could’ve witnessed a failed marriage and a divorce to infidelity, domestic violence, and disrespect between you two which could’ve left me scarred. Maybe it was for the better though. Maybe. I get stuck in my own mind with the maybe’s a lot even more these days. For some reason I try to make sense of it all and implement other scenarios which could’ve made things worse to make me feel better. I promise I’m not blaming you but I just know that no matter how far apart we’ve always been, deep down inside, you still always know the real me because I am you. So I don’t blame you for anything at all, and I don’t hold anything against you. Throughout the years you’ve taken some things as disrespect but I promise it wasn’t. I just have a mouth like you when I”m speaking my truth. And you only find it disrespectful because you see the real truth in it, so you use your authority of being a mom hide and mask the truth you should face. You need to, we need to. You don’t have to face it alone. We can hurt and heal together. I don’t blame you mom. I don’t. It wasn’t until a friend gave me the idea that there’s something that I’m probably not being told or was never told, maybe there’s something deeper to thing that I don’t know. But I’m understanding. We could’ve all sat down and talked about the truths of things. I can understand that. I just hope you understand me too.

If you made it this far, thank you. None of that I’ve ever shared with anyone, so it felt good to be able to express it. Of course it’s not everything, but it’s far more than I’ve ever expressed. Like I said earlier in this post, I’m not bashing my mom, I don’t hate her, nor do I have any ill feelings towards her, but the word “mom” and “mother” doesn’t trigger any comfort or love inside me when I hear it. I’m sure there’s more to it than I know and was ever told, and if so, somebody need their ass whooped for causing me internal pain and suffering. I don’t discredit her as a mom by any means but my feelings and my perception aren’t wrong at all. When I get a text from her and read the words, “I love you,” to me they are just words and I don’t feel it. Not saying she doesn’t love me but I’ve never felt it. If you gave her a, “Who is this” test based on likes and interests, she wouldn’t guess its me and I couldn’t guess it’s her. We don’t know each other. No bash, just the honest truth.

For anyone who has grown up without their parent(s), I’m sorry. Everything we’ve been through is for the greater good of our highest evolved self and we were given this journey for a reason. Your pain and your hurt could be so you can evolve and grow up to heal someone else. I don’t have all of the answers for life, neither does anyone else. We’re all mortals who try our best and fail more than we succeed. It’s okay. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re not a burden, it’s not your fault, you’re not forgotten, and you’re truly a gift. Feedback is highly encouraged as I’m trying to build this to be a platform where you feel safe, not alone, heard, and supported; you can choose to stay anonymous or include your social media username so I can shout you out on my page.

 

Stay classy, stay conscious. Bless up!

 

Dating, Relationships, and Commitment

As an early disclaimer, I’m not sending this paper to an english professor to be graded, nor to a corporate executive. I’m just here to share thoughts and vent in the way I best express myself, writing. I’m not the most politically correct, I may not be the most grammatically correct either, but please focus on the context rather than sentence structure and paragraph structure. It’s about venting and expressing, not getting a passing grade for an assignment. And to avoid any misconceptions and misunderstanding, this post is completely from a personal perspective from my life experiences and long time observation of others. I am 100% not saying my personal perspective is right or the only way of thinking while others may be wrong. You are not wrong for how you feel, what you think, and what you want out of a relationship; never let someone tell you that you are or make you sway your thoughts in a way to believe you are. However, if you make it to the end, I feel like my experiences and perspective could help a lot of people gain clarity, understanding, and a base to build off of moving forward. Again, I’m not the most politically or grammatically correct, so just bare with me as I express myself.

I personally think social media and people’s lack of self awareness on who they truly are in this particular phase of their life has distorted dating and relationships. People base their ideologies off of tradition, what looks cute, and what’s popular online and in mainstream media rather than looking inside of their soul to figure out who they are and where they are in their journey to determine what fits them. High standards are amazing and you should always have high standards, but you are going to forever end up disappointed if you create ideologies of what your relationships should be or be modeled like from what you see others engaged in online rather than what compliments you, what you bring to the table, as well as what you don’t bring to the table. Not only does popular relationship models not fit everybody, but the internet is also a place where many people portray to live the ultimate happy and perfect life, while behind closed doors you may get to find out the raw and real truth aren’t “goals” after all. The internet has distorted minds into thinking relationships and your partner can be built like a created player on 2k or Madden; you block a lot of blessings when you limit your idea of your desired partner with the “inside the box” type mentality.

I have a few real life personal examples in here that I’ve never shared with anyone (I will change names if used to protect identities and I’m not here to make anyone famous). Every story has two sides as people have different perceptions and experiences of the same situation, so as I try to be as open, transparent, and honest as humanly possible, my perspective could slightly vary from the person I shared the experience or relationship with. I’ve had a lot of experiences, a lot. Some of which I don’t even remember in detail (don’t judge me), but for the sake of trying to keep this as short as possible, I’ll list a few of them rather than trying to touch on all. So if by chance we had something and you’re reading this, don’t feel some type of way that it wasn’t included, I’m just trying to keep this short. If you read this and you realize it was our situation, thank you for our experiences and you’ve helped me grow. Whether you did wrong and hurt me or did right and I dropped the ball, thank you. If I dropped the ball, I formally apologize if I never got the chance to before. I’m a different guy and I hope you can see me in a better light as I’ve grown and learned from my mistakes. Not to be cliche, everything happens for a reason, and one day you’ll have the clarity and understanding as to why.

I’ll be the first to say all guys aren’t bad guys, guys can definitely change, and you should never base your judgement of a man’s potential relationship skills by the actions he chooses while he’s single. I can personally speak on men changing because over time, I’ve grown and evolved. I don’t know if every guy has or not, but I’ve definitely went through a “fuck boy” stage. Even though I was full of intellect and maturity then, I was still ignorant to a lot once I look back and reflect. I didn’t have any guidance, advice, or books to learn how to engage in relations. It was all from naturalness and trial and error. Naturally I love hard and have a big heart, inherited from my grandmother maybe, but that also comes with allowing myself to be vulnerable. My first few times out in the field I went through relationships thinking with emotion rather than logic, and I was screwed over. It was weird. It was a thing where whenever I got attached and began to fall, that person would be the one who hurt me but the women I didn’t like were the ones who would be willing to give me everything. I don’t know what to call it but I’m sure we’ve all experienced that. I didn’t grow up with my mom, so like how women without a father look for that love in other men, I initially did that in the women I fell for but I learned quick.

My first few experiences weren’t a failure because I evolved over time but they ended in heartbreak and it turned me into a wolf; I wouldn’t call it a dog because I became strategic with things moving forward. One of my earliest relationships was when I was more into basketball than football, slightly before high school. She was a few years older; I don’t know why, but I’ve always been attracted to women older than me. I liked her a lot. Like to the point I drew a portrait of her and I’m not Picasso, shit was just from the heart. I even included her in my prayers way before people did it to tweet about it and get retweets. One day she left my AAU tournament to be caught walking the beach with her other “boyfriend”. Some guy who ended up doing her wrong countless times. What’s crazy about the situation is, she played it smart and manipulative. She was with me and on me every time he was deployed or was stationed somewhere else, but when he came back she would act real funny and start intentional arguments with me. I didn’t catch on and find out until later when a few people sent me the pictures of her at the beach. After her, I met this one girl from Ohio. I met her at home while she was she was visiting her family for a minute, but she lived in Ohio. We really fell for each other super hard, like I had a relationship wth her mom and all. Her ex boyfriend was mad weird though, and if I properly recall, they had something going on when she got back home. I don’t even know why I attempted the long distance thing, but she was a great girl with a great heart, and a dime, so I did. I was young, don’t judge; give me a break. We actually made it work really well and it lasted for quite a while, like maybe almost a year. It’s crazy thinking back on it and how young we were, but we were all for it and her mom was super dope. Her mom was so dope, she really tried her best to keep us going steady. We really thought we were gonna get married and start a family, like be together forever, and live a fairy tale but over time we just fell off. Long distance works better when you’re in a situation to arrange seeing each other more, it’s a lot of work. It’s really funny because your thoughts of a relationship when you’re young aren’t real life by any means and you don’t have that wisdom until you experience shit and it becomes hindsight.

The following two situations were early high school. First one, I gave a girl my heart and all my efforts. It was the “cuff cam” stage on Instagram for those who may know or participated in it back then. I get sent screenshots and she’s with another guy, posted; hugged up and on his lap on a couch late night. It threw me off but I’ve always been understanding, so when I inquired she came off crazy disrespectful. Her best friend was in her ear giving her false confidence that night which actually turned out to just be her sabotaging what we had going on because she was jealous and wanted me. Your friends aren’t always your friends. Me and my mans set her up; got her on a three way call but muted my end. Her excuse was, “I was raised by all guys. He’s too nice and shows me affection. Like I was just raised by all boys. I don’t know, I’m just not feeling that.” In my mind, I thought that’s what women wanted. I was young, and of course you just go with what you know. I was still in the stage of falling super hard looking for the love in other women that I didn’t get from my mom. A situation some time after was with a girl I probably liked more than I’ve ever like any girl before. You know how some people are dope, like just a dope ass person? It was like that. None of us know Beyonce’ or Rihanna personally but the way they carry themselves are queen status; in other words, “Dat bitch, an excellent bitch: 7 grand loft in Tribeca type bitch. No floppy disk, an original pdf.” That Princess Nokia type charisma, that’s who shorty was.

Her confidence and the way she carried herself was dope as fuck and she had intellect, with a life plan and goals. I’m also really attracted to women who can dress and she was crazy with putting together outfits. Her personality was amazing and she had a great heart, she cared about everybody in her circle. What got me was, she was a natural nurturer. That’s what sucked me in, her natural nurturing ways. She was cool with my family already and the elders in both of our families already had connections from them growing up together. I was also playing ball, sophomore year in high school, right around the time my college recruitment and press was going crazy. We went to the same school and she was at every game, for school spirit but also had a poster with my picture and number on it. She was A1 with the support, and the games she didn’t make for whatever reason, she’d hit me up talking about the game from what her mom or dad told her. Dope ass people, dope ass family. I got her a pair of shoes, customized them and everything. She came with me on an unofficial visit to a football game. If it was up to me, my ass would’ve married her my sophomore year in high school and she would’ve been a NFL wife. We had some dope times and she’s the first girl I’ve ever exchanged Christmas gifts with. But it turned out to not work in my favor; I 100% liked her more than she liked me. The ending result with no explanation, she just started messing with another guy; ended up dating someone else, then took a picture with him wearing the shoes I got her as he helped her move into college. That shit hurt the most because of how much I liked her and how much I wanted to do for her, but we stayed really close for a while after and kept a strong friendship. Until this day I’m really, really hesitant to spend money on women unless you’re family. I’m 100% sure I could have found someone older with wisdom to express myself to and gain insight but I didn’t have anyone I was comfortable opening up to, so I turned into a cold blooded strategist and the era of looking for the love I didn’t get from my mother in other woman was over.

 

I call it a cold blooded strategist because I wasn’t a dog. I absolutely hate, hate, hate, hurting feelings and breaking hearts so I found a way to manipulate and finesse without the girl realizing it was a finesse. I just outsmarted the shit out of people. So I got what I wanted, and placed an expiration date on things before they even started with several exit strategies that never failed me. I’m responsible for people’s relationships today. I’d find guys I felt would compliment the girl and throw the ‘oop behind the scenes, he’d take her off my hands and me and her would fall off gradually with no hard feelings because she’d be distracted by the attention he was giving her. I mastered that shit. I’ve dealt with a lot of women and it’s impossible to avoid hurting everyone, so I’ve broken a hand full of hearts. Literally just a handful, so my ratio was stellar with this shit. And with the hearts I broke, I just learned from those experiences to become an even better strategist. I studied women, their wants, their needs, emotional stability, mindset, find out about their childhood and life influences, their body language. It was easy, I began only taking high probability chances. I’d scan the environment I was in, walk around, study the body language of some people, and know who to go after. Every time. It was during the prime years of my college recruitment, I had a fire sophomore season, ranked top 3 in the nation at my position, I was going on endless college visits. I was fucking with and fucking whoever I wanted. In my city and on college visits. I had relations with real live adults, mothers, girlfriends of other dudes, and as crazy as it sounds, even teachers. I’m not saying at the school I attended but their profession was a teacher. That shit was super fun. I felt like I was at the top of the world. I could do and get anything I wanted. That shit was an empowering ass feeling. Then I slowed down and got into a relationship.

Shorty and I went to middle school together, and I’m not even clear on how me and her ended up in a relationship; it just happened. She was a great girl, still is. We’re actually friends somewhat, we talk when we see each other. It’s cool, no bad energy. She’s in college, into music, her whole family is. She comes from a great background, great family and foundation. They’re heavy in the church and just all around really great people. So I went with it. Nothing bad happened at all, I have no idea what it was in particular, but it just wasn’t for me. I don’t know if our families were too involved, I don’t know. I just couldn’t do it. I lowkey felt overwhelmed. I wasn’t into it like I should’ve been and I was fooling myself trying to force it. Instead of telling her the honest truth and being open about my feelings, I gave her a bullshit excuse which later came back to haunt me in my next relationship. It’s crazy how the universe works. So that ended and I got back to my thing, just chilling and finessing. June going into my junior year of high school I’m visiting Notre Dame in South Bend, Indiana. The shit was so boring me and the guys I was with just sat in the dorms and did nut shit with the other recruits and guys who camped there. Late night I’m scrolling Instagram and spot a cute joint from uptown Newport News, she had the caption, “Hmu I’m bored” so it was perfect. I slid in her DM’s. She tells me what school she goes to, same school as a friend of mine who plays ball so he plugged me. I get back from Notre Dame, me and her link up and chill. Her vibes were mad different, hard to put into words but I felt a connection before I even knew what the fuck a connection was.

Me and her both wasn’t shit honestly, she had a boyfriend and a side dude at the time (I didn’t know until later) and I was still messing with other girls, including my ex from time to time. We hung out so much that summer, I ended up taking her virginity and then we began dating. I had no idea that shit would turn out and become what it did, neither did she, but it did. That relationship changed me for the rest of my life. We went through so many up’s, down’s, and obstacles before I was even conscious of that type shit going on in relationships. I didn’t have a relationship guru or anything in my pocket, not a relationship for dummies guide, so I was learning from experience. We were great in the beginning, super in love. The feeling where its pure and innocent, true and genuine happiness. She took my mind off of all my problems and the stress I was dealing with in football, college recruitment, at home, and just life all together. It was like every time we were together, time stopped and we were the only ones who existed on the planet. She was all on my Instagram and twitter before being posted online became mandatory in relationships and being posted determined and validated one’s love. That being shown off online shit has become a mental illness in our society. But back to the relationship; around my birthday in November, she found old direct messages on my twitter. The messages were when we were in the early “talking” stage, before I knew we would have anything, but she seen them and that was our first mishaps. I didn’t find out until later she was on the same shit with other guys at the time but in that present moment, I looked like the ass. I was going to see my boys at Ocean Lakes play Salem and she sent me the screenshots she found going through my twitter; my fucking heart dropped. It was cold as hell outside at the stadium, brick cold, but my body was so hot I felt like I was in a sauna. My back was hot, palms sweaty, I’m outside and it felt like the walls were closing in. Worst feeling ever. We got into it through text, she broke up with me, and that was actually the first and last time I ever cried over a girl. That shit felt like everything came crashing down and my world was turned upside down. She was my world and I felt like that shit slipped through my fingers. I never expressed myself to anyone but I went to my stepmom and asked her to call her and talk to her. That’s the only thing I could think of to get her back. My stepmom held me down and a few days later, me and shorty were back together. It wasn’t the same though. I don’t know if it was getting back at me or being petty, but she went out to eat with another guy and went to the mall with another guy. It wasn’t a big deal looking back but in the present moment, shit was hectic and the way she carried it made it seem more than what it was. She’s actually a master at manipulating situations and getting the best of my emotions, I didn’t realize that she did stuff intentionally until later. But she’s the only girl that could ever get to me like she did.

Time goes by, things are cool and then we argue for whatever reason and breakup day of the game of playing her school. I wasn’t sweating that shit though because football was my safe haven. I don’t know if that shit was intentional or not, but I just chalked it up to her trying to get the best of my emotions. Not after game day, but literally game day. Our relationship was never really the same moving forward. We loved each other but it was more challenges than anything, arguing often and breaking up often just to get back together. She went through an asshole stage where she was mean as hell for no reason, just unhappy and always had an attitude. She erased all of our pictures online, she told me to erase the pictures from my page. Looking back on it, I feel her, cause she probably didn’t want to look stupid. At the time I didn’t understand it and it was just relationship drama and stress, but I get it now. I began to cope with the asshole attitude and I started to adjust to that, then I started to fall out of touch. We just weren’t in it like we were before. There was external shit that would divide us, she would manipulate and make up one sided stories to her friends and they began to dislike me. It was a fucking mess. There was two situations with texting other girls I got myself into, just for the entertainment of it and got caught. That added fuel to the challenges. The thing is, it sounds fucked up, but it was for mere entertainment and I had no intentions of moving forward on anything. I just needed some — virtual excitement. I’m not saying it wasn’t wrong though. Then I caught her texting her ex on some other shit. I was hurt, it led to an argument, and I don’t know if that shit had been going on or she just was tired of shit and needed some more excitement. I don’t know, we never really talked it out like we should’ve. I knew she loved me but when upset she always said shit she didn’t mean. I have tough skin so I took it all to the chin and I never disrespected her or said anything crazy verbally. Worst thing she said was, “I regret ever giving you a chance. I could’ve stayed with my ex for this shit.” Til this day the most hurtful shit ever. I know I wasn’t perfect but I tried and I did a lot, a lot of good by her. I made my mistakes but the good outweighed the bad and I know how he treated her. So to hear that was devastating.

She was preparing for college, things just weren’t the same so we broke up. Before I would’ve been hurt but I was over that shit myself so it was cool, I wasn’t really having the season I wished for my junior year so I just wanted to fall back and focus on ball. Put all my energy into ball instead of trying to be the perfect boyfriend. Remember the bullshit excuse I gave the first girl? It was that, but this time it wasn’t an excuse. I really meant it and I had intentions to focus on me. My dad wasn’t the relationship advocate and he was in my ear all the time about the relationship fucking me up, so that was another external source that just blew the lid off things. So we ended it. I honestly didn’t think we’d get back together. It was a rough time. But this was a different breakup, different from before and I just never ever imagined trying things again with her. I told her let’s just let’s keep the breakup to ourselves to avoid drama but she didn’t listen for shit. She was hurt. I get it though. Looking back, I get it. But she slandered me crazy online, especially twitter. It was wild mad. Drama filled breakup which was the last thing I wanted and it was stressful as hell. That’s when new guys started to come in; guys I was cool with through sports. People who shook my hand, called me “bro” was in her dm’s, a bunch of other shit. That’s the reason I don’t trust guys today. One of the guys I was closest with at the time, I put him on with her best friend. Sometime later after we broke up he tried to get at her. He does music, even wrote a song for her. Shit was so weird she thought I sent him at her but it was him all by himself. I don’t fuck with dude that hard anymore for that reason, and to keep from being a hot head about the situation I just fell back from him completely. He honestly doesn’t even know I know about that shit unless he reads this. But nonetheless, me and her were done. I wasn’t messing with anyone. I was just chillen. I would text other girls for the hell of it but it was nothing more than conversation, nothing more. Somehow a message from the first girl of, “He gave me that excuse and watch him end up with another girl” got to her and that shit made things worse. She had to be working with the FBI because almost any girl I texted she found about and slandered my ass. She stamped I just wanted to be with everybody else besides her, and I was lying about wanting to break up to focus on me and ball. But I wasn’t. I was stressed the fuck out and just wanted a peace of mind, a better season, I wanted to be alone. That shit was hard. The school I was at, those guys did some fuck shit. From the players to the coaching staff. I was unhappy at home. All I had was music to keep me sane.

Time went by, then for whatever reason we tried things out again. But that messy shit in between the times fucked things up completely. I wasn’t the same me from when we first met and fell in love, I moved completely different. We were together but it wasn’t that innocent love. We fought over me not posting her online anymore, we argued over little shit because she didn’t believe I wasn’t messing with any other girls. Shit got bad one day. I just wanted to be honest, cause I thought the truth would set me free. Her exact words, “Just tell. I’m not gonna be mad if you tell the truth, I promise. Just tell me.” I didn’t fuck with anybody else during that window on a serious manner to grow something from it, but I did fuck somebody I was entertaining. So that particular day she kept asking and asking, and instead of lying then her find out anyway, I told her about it thinking it would be chill but she went ape shit. I’m laughing as I type this now but back then, man I wanted to just disappear from everything. It was just too much. One day in a hotel room we were together, she just randomly started crying and went to the bathroom. I walk in there to talk to her and comfort her, she stole my dumb ass. Let’s laugh at that together. I didn’t hit her back but I just held her arms down and we just sort of wrestled until she relaxed and just cried in my arms. I was hurt that she was hurt. She was broken, drained, tired. I was too but it’s different for women. She was broken. Even though other guys have done much worst, I didn’t realize my damage weighed more because she was more invested into me and I was placed on a higher pedestal so it came with more responsibility. We went through a lot but she was 100% my baby girl and I’d do anything in the world for her, I’d kill if it meant protecting her. That’s how strong the love was. Til this day I still got her if she needed me. It just was unhealthy. Valentine’s Day was a hectic and dramatic experience. Things just weren’t healthy for us so we just ended up ended it all for good, and never really got back together. In all honesty, I ended it rather than “we”. If I didn’t end it and we just kept pushing, who knows, but it wasn’t a “we” thing at all. I ended it. No shade to her, but “we” is dismissive to how she felt about the break up and the last thing I want to do is dismiss her feelings. We would still fuck with each other which was definitely unhealthy, but it felt so good. We never let each other go but we weren’t officially together. I ended up moving to Maryland. I had to reup my following so I got some Maryland followers, guys and girls. She noticed I was following some girls from Maryland, automatically assumed the worst and we argued. When I first moved up there, I was single but me and her still had our little back and forth thing. One day we got into an argument over some stupid shit and that was the end to everything. We hardly even talked to each other moving forward.

Thinking back, I know she was damaged after that and I feel bad every time I reflect. I really had no intentions of ever hurting her. I never mean to hurt anyone but I gave her my heart and she gave me hers, I never in a million years intentionally or did anything to try and hurt her. But I did and I admit to it. We built up so much, connected so much, experienced so much, it was just so much of everything and I gave up on her. I didn’t feel like I gave up back then. I was just following my heart, doing what I thought would be best for us both, but after everything that went on she truly didn’t want to let it go. To any guy after me who had problems with her opening up, being emotionally unavailable, and being too reserved for you to even build with, my bad man. I know words change nothing but yeah that’s on me. My bad she was so difficult to build with. But the relationship was life changing for us both. I’ve yet to have another relationship that comes close to that shit. I’ve yet to actually have another true relationship quite honestly. After all the drama and hurt, we were much later able to talk things out and actually become friends. She’s one of the smartest girls I know, and it’s not another girl besides my grandma who knows me and can read me like she can. Despite the obstacles we faced, we shared a lot of great times and experiences. In my opinion, the good outweighed the bad, but it was just a crazy time in my life and I trusted my judgement which I thought at the time was in both of our best interests. Maybe thinking about me a little more than her, but it’s wasn’t until almost two years later I sat back and understood why she was so hurt after we broke up. It wasn’t the obstacles and hardships, she was fine getting through that with me. It was the fact we built a ship and I hopped on a safety boat leaving her on the ship alone in the middle of the water. That’s why I said to say “we” ended it is dismissive to how she felt, cause it wasn’t a “we” thing at all. More-so a selfish decision made by me, really selfish. I didn’t intend for it to be that way, I truly thought it would be best for us both, but that was merely from my perspective and not hers. On top of everything (and I didn’t know this until later), she endured an abortion alone. Her former field hockey coach helped her through it all, and at the time, I had absolutely no idea of anything. It was still every early in the pregnancy, so it wasn’t on the table with prongs type, but still, she was pregnant and had to go through such a traumatic experience without me. If I knew at the time, I would’ve never allowed her to experience any of that without me by her side, but that wasn’t the case. She made a grown woman decision at such a young age, and I’m not a woman so I can never speak on what that does to you emotionally, but you can only imagine how you’d feel to go through that and then just felt like your partner quit on you. I don’t know how long you can use the, “I was young and ignorant” excuse, but I was. You live and you learn though. I for sure appreciate everything me and her shared with each other and I 100% wish her the best in all her future endeavors.

Disclaimer: My perception and perspective of the relationship is my personal own, from my personal lens. Her perspective could be different. There’s two sides to everything. All of our realities are different. I’m sure if you asked her about some things, you may hear slightly different; more or less detail. But I can say, I 100% was just open, honest, and transparent as much as humanly possible when sharing my side of the story.

Maryland was the best shit to happen to me. I had so much fun, experienced so much shit, met and connected with some great people. My current area code for my phone number is 301. I got shown more love in Maryland than I did in VA, way more love. If somebody ask me, “Where you from?” my answer is, “The DMV” and if they proceed to say, “Where at?” then my answer is “PG.” Maryland is my home. I’ll probably raise my kids up in the Maryland, DC area. Travel a lot but that’ll probably be where I settle. I love it, like I never loved another area. The football was great, the culture. My dad spent some time living in both Baltimore and DC, I have an uncle who has lived in Maryland for a while, so I’ve spent time there before. Never really lived there until later on but I was hip to the culture, and already had some friends through sports ties. DeMatha, the WCAC, best high school football in the nation. It’s different. High level, elite competition everyday in practice and on Friday’s. Not only is the sports and culture lit but the DMV has the most beautiful women in the country, hands down; fashion and beauty. I was a free man, had no intentions of getting into another relationship after what I just got out of, and I was headed to college soon anyway. I got back to my old ways; a strategic wolf. I had more relations in one year in Maryland than my freshman through junior year in Virginia. It was some new shit every couple of days, it was fun. No commitment, I was honest and up front. My roster was stacked, way too stacked. I was dealing with some women that dudes who had been there for years couldn’t get. Not because I’m the cutest (far from it) but there’s way too many advantages with being the new guy. You’re new, different, you already have a name coming in, and you don’t fit the stereotype they give everybody else at the school because you’re new. Shit was lit. I met some dope ass women in Maryland though, there’s a few that left a mark on me and I still keep in touch with a couple. One of which changed me forever, she goes to college in Kentucky now and on track to be a lawyer. We never had a fully committed relationship, never dated, nothing too serious at all on paper, but it was just a connection that was different and she challenged me like never before.

It was around winter break of my senior year in high school when I met her and we started hanging out. We connected fast, super fast. She was dope. Smart, challenging, confident, outgoing, and funny. First time in my life the first conversation turned into a roast session, and she’s the one who started it. One of my teammates at the time, still a close friend, put me on with her through the close ties they shared in friendship. Winter break, no school and we had ample time. We hung out so much, talked all the time, we were alike in many ways, had deep philosophical conversations and a lot of things we disagreed or had difference in perspective on that she was never afraid to challenge me on. The challenge she put up was different. She challenged me in conversation and until this day, we hung out several times and never had sex. The passion and intimacy was more from conversation and time spent than anything. My only regret was me and her never went on a formal date because of my previous relationship; I was too scared to get close to another girl. We should’ve, ice cream at the least, but I was scared to cross that line to the unknown. I was enjoying my freedom and didn’t want to return to that place I’ve been before. She was different though, the vibes were different and the only way to get an understanding of what I mean is if you have had that experience with someone before or you’re her and you’re reading this right now then all of the memories begin to come back. The thing that turned us completely upside down was external forces that sabotaged things, things came back to me that she lied about something. It was a big deal in my eyes just because I felt we were close enough and at the point where I could be vulnerable and trust her. I don’t trust anybody, but I trusted her and that incident messed things up. Coming from her, that situation was false but we had a war of words in the fall out that was so bad we never actually seen each other after that. We should’ve met up, sat down, and talked things out but she has a smart ass mouth likewise to myself, so things just went left and that needed conversation never happened. It was a month long roller coaster. I hated her; and I didn’t hate her, I hated how much love I had for her. It was almost painful in a sense at the time. One thing that triggered me and changed me forever was what she said about the issues I had by not having my mom in my life. She wasn’t wrong at all, she was 100% right. I knew she was right and it only hurt me so bad because I knew she was right, I was just too afraid to face it. All my life I tried to act like not having my mom in my life didn’t affect me and I was fine, but I wasn’t. Nobody cared to ever dive that deep to see it but I knew deep down inside. It’s almost like why guys in the hood fight over being looked at wrong. It’s not the fact you’re looking at him but its like you can see him, you can see his hurt, his pain, his struggle, and instead of facing the issues you mask it and get defensive about it. That’s what that was with her and I. She seen the hurt, the issues, and she damn sure wasn’t afraid to speak. Absolutely fearless at speaking on what I tried to bury, it hurt so much but I needed to hear it. That just goes to show you the relationship we had with each other, I opened up about my mom and she was able to analyze the subconscious issues that came with it without me openly speaking on it.

After that, I just spent the rest of my time being free. I didn’t have intentions on connecting with anyone, building relationships, and the time to go off to college was getting closer. But in the midst of it all, I was strategic. I was observing and analyzing; people’s minds, their emotions, their ideologies. Understanding why people do what they do even when they don’t realize it was my favorite thing to analyze. I was over that having relations for mere pleasure, I got to the point where I was having relations for the experience and to collect analytical data to form a better perspective of things from all angles. I realized why guys are fuck boys, why they cheat, why a lot of relationships fail, even with women having high standards but not meeting the standards that they set for other people themselves; I began to see a lot of things with a clear eyed view. The funniest thing that I got to understand was age doesn’t define maturity, intellect, or any of that; some of the corniest and mentally declined women I’ve dealt with were much older (27-35) and that’s probably why their ass was single. Being a hoe got far too boring, manipulating and finessing became way too easy, and I was just 200% into my craft. I’ve always been all in but that time before leaving for school I was really alone, didn’t talk to anybody much or spend time with anyone.

When I got to college I engaged in some relations, some were for mere entertainment like anybody in college and there was a couple that I learned great lessons from. I won’t mention all of them but I’ll list a couple. Funny story, the first time I tried to date outside my race; white girl. So I’m spending time with this girl, already iffy cause it’s not my thing but I’m in Arizona and I’m trying to grow and expand my horizons. We had philosophy together. Started out real chill doing homework and assignments together. Then it shifted and we’re hanging out outside of school work, still real chill, and I met her parents. Even had family dinner with them. Mind you, she’s in a sorority. She goes off to a party, fucks another guy.  She tried to hide it but her best friend felt bad cause I was a really good guy to her, so she told me. Wild as shit. So then time passes, we become cool again and then she did some more wild shit. Not fuck another guy while we were messing with each other but she messed with a guy that she knew she shouldn’t have, so she hid it from me and it came out one night. Then instead of owning up and apologizing, she really tried to flip shit on me completely. I’m not perfect but that situation was all her, she dropped the ball. I did no wrong in that short time span we dealt with each other. But there was one particular relationship that changed me; pretty Samoan, Cali girl.

We didn’t date or have the title but we fucked with each other heavy. She was an amazing girl, great energy, so bubbly and happy. She really liked me. I liked her but didn’t know how to show it. Not only was I still afraid to get too close to someone, I also was in deep depression from everything going on with football. If you read that story about why I stopped playing, I was dealing with that. So I was emotionally unavailable, holding back because of fear, and mentally fucked up while I had an amazing girl in my life. I was going through a lot and even though I didn’t show her I appreciated her like I should’ve, I needed her. I didn’t treat her how she deserved to be treated at all. I didn’t carry her or anything, but I know she didn’t feel the same energy from me as she was giving. When you not feeling that shit in return, it sucks. I know the feeling and that’s what she was going through with me. I was just such at a low point, I couldn’t. No excuses but I was in a fucked up ass place. She gave me peace though. She was all about me. You see a lot of girls doing wild shit in college, and finessing just as much as the men, but she wasn’t on that at all. She was just a really nice, sweet girl. The type of girl you want your son to date and your daughter to hang out with. She didn’t talk to other guys, she’s really quiet and reserved. She’s a great student in school, has a job on top of being a student, and her family is really sweet. I met them after one of our games. They’re the sweetest, an amazing group of people. She’s a great girl and I dropped the ball entirely with that shit. I actually ended up taking her virginity. To my defense, it was by accident and I had no idea she was a virgin. I was such in a bad place, I didn’t even try anything on her or anybody. I was really just okay with chillen and hanging out, so it definitely wasn’t a scumbag move.

The damage from that was more than crucial and til this day I feel bad about it. We tried things twice but the second time it wasn’t like the first. She was in love still but she was over my ass the second attempt. It’s so crazy cause this is what ended it for good; I let a girl stay in my room, I wasn’t there. I was in downtown Phoenix, not Tempe. Me and shorty wasn’t messing with each other at the time but she randomly popped up at my room and seen the girl in the bed. She thought I was there too, but I wasn’t. She went to her best friend bawling and we never talked again for months. She was completely broken. Broken. 110% my fault and I admit for causing every bit of it. Eventually, which wasn’t too long ago, she gave me the chance to explain that situation and apologize for the emotional destruction I caused her. I’m more than happy she allowed me to do so because I felt so bad, I still do. I was in a bad place and I took it out on her which I shouldn’t have, I should’ve embraced her and treated her like the gift she was for me at the time but I didn’t. I’m surprised she held on as long as she did. The best thing she did for herself and I was let me go. I’m absolutely proud of her for being strong enough and loving herself enough to let me go because I know it’s hard when you have such an emotional attachment. I went through a stage of deep reflection and self evaluation, after hurting her that’s when I knew I had some subconscious issues that I need to face and work on. I’m self aware about a lot of things now and I’m a much greater guy, I actually want to try a therapy session to dig even deeper into myself but I’m more in touch with my feelings and emotions now. I’m not emotionally unavailable like I used to be, but I still have a lot to work on. It’s a process, ya know?

Sometimes you may ask yourself (or even God) why you’re so attached and can’t let go of someone. You holding on and you loving them could be so painful, but God put you in their life for a reason. Not to punish you, but that person could be at such a low point in life and because your heart is so big and your unconditional love is so special and such a gift, that’s exactly what that person needed to feel. It’s big shoes to fill and it hurts, but you were chosen and hand picked by God himself (or herself, no sexism intended) to heal someone. For anyone who has endured the pain of loving someone you felt didn’t love you back the same or show you the same energy, I am sorry. Just don’t ever let that change who you are or taint you. Stay pure. Keep loving people. One day, your love will be returned multiplied and in abundance.

I’m not perfect but I make the conscious effort to learn, grow, and evolve. Every week, every month, I’m a whole new person. So if you don’t know the me now, then you only know the old me and that’s not an accurate judgement. Like I said before, I’m deeply sorry for the hurt I’ve caused anybody but judge me for the man I’ve evolved into today rather than who I was yesterday. It may be hard but just try. We’re all fragile mortals trying our best and failing more than we succeed. What’s going on in my life present time won’t be spoken of until it’s a memory or an experience that’s passed, since you have more wisdom to give from hindsight. So you probably won’t get my today in a blog post for another few months. But after years of experience, observation, diving deep into people’s core, being hurt and learning from hurting others, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve grown to see that people have so many misconceptions of relationships.

The biggest misconception I see is that people judge based on merely their perception. Your idea, wants, and desires from a relationship may not fit someone else’s and that’s okay. You’re not wrong and they’re not either, but people often feel like the popular opinion or traditional way is the only way or the right way. Don’t judge someone else because you have a difference in ideologies. For relationships to work, they have to fit you and your partner. It has to be what’s best for you two in the phase of life you two are in. You have to be self aware of things; just like you know what you bring to the table, also know what you don’t bring to the table. You can do and have a desire for anything you want but it’s illogical and counterproductive to desire a partner with a high paying salary when your lifestyle, mentality, and aspirations don’t coincide with theirs. It’s nice if it happens but you’re fooling yourself wanting a partner with money because you’re broke and want support. If you have a partner in college, building their life or platform, working towards something, doesn’t come from a financially stable background, then it’s going to be some time before they can start providing you with the luxuries that people obsess over online. Be patient with people while they get it together. Just have their back and support them through it all. Just like you have high standards for those who you want to move forward in life with, you have to meet those standards yourself. Don’t just wish to attract a certain type of people in your life, be the person you want to attract; in your soul. You attract what you are, not what you want. Love yourself and have confidence but reflect and evaluate yourself often so you can grow and continue to evolve.

I learned that being friends with people first will benefit you way more than just trying to build a relationship off the rip. If you notice, friends are more inclined to showing you all sides of them, while someone who is pursuing you is trying to impress you so you only see their best. You only get an accurate judgement of someone when you can see their flaws and imperfections. In the same breath, the flaws and imperfections shouldn’t be what turns you off. I learned to not fall in love or fall in like for anybody, because like you fall in, you can always fall out. I learned that you have to learn to love people unconditionally for who they are and slowly grow to be. That doesn’t go from everybody, but just people you have that certain connection with. It’s a different feeling you get. You have to give people room to grow into their true selves, by what’s best for their highest evolution, and not what’s best for you ego by wanting them to grow into who you would want them to be. You serve a purpose in everyone’s life, whether you know why or not, you do. It’s the contract you both signed before starting this life cycle. People tend to anticipate the future and dwell on the past, and never embracing the present. I found to be most happy by enjoying the present and doing my best everyday to evolve and help the person I’m dealing with evolve. The best evolution is mental, spiritual, and emotional; help that person reach new levels of self love, create a better self image, get in tune with themselves, walk their true path, and try to give reassurance. Women love reassurance but women tend to forget no matter how strong men seem, we go through a lot and never express it. We’re human and we need reassurance too. Just like most of you are quick to point out our mistakes, show men the same energy in appreciation as well. As people, don’t feel our best everyday and its human nature to have down days, but just try your best at communicating that it may not be your day or week. I’m not the best with expressing myself honestly but I’m conscious of that issue and I’m working to get better at it.

A lot of things begin with the childhood, through experiences you develop subconscious thoughts, beliefs, and ideas. You have to get to know where people come from to get an understanding of why they are why they are. Get to know what their parents are like and  who they’ve been influenced by. They’re not wrong for being who they are and you can’t demean or judge a person because they don’t fit the idea of who you would want them to be. You just have to be understanding of why they’re that way, and if you truly care and want to push forward then it’s an investment into helping someone reprogram their subconscious mind. A lot of people weren’t raised with a voice to express themselves nor grew up learning how to communicate their feelings, emotions, and issues. You have to be understanding of that sometimes and instead of being upset with them, be patient with them and work with them. Ask them their opinion on things, ask how they’re feeling, ask them how they think they’d react or feel in certain situations. You just have to try to get them to open up and build that part of them. It may be frustrating, but if you really rock with them, it’s worth it.

To any woman reading this, understand a man from a two parent household, a broken home, and a guy raised by the streets are three different men living in three different realities with three different ways of knowing how to live life and treat people. A lot of women these days make it popular to want a guy from the hood. Please know that’s not a loving, caring, or nurturing environment to be raised in or experience life in. Before you let twitter alter your desires, do some soul searching and find out if that’s some shit you can really put up and deal with. Are you prepared to be a healer to someone who is completely broken and traumatized? The idea of it sounds cool, but be real with yourself.

You can’t judge anyone in this life time. You just have to observe and try to understand. Everything won’t make sense and sometimes it’s not supposed to make sense in that exact moment, give it time and allow any experience to become an anchor of strength and wisdom for you. Nobody is a bad person, nobody is truly “not shit”. It’s just the particular phase in their life which is ultimately best for their higher self and you’re in their life to serve some type of purpose. Whether it ends in love or heartbreak, just embrace the time spent, experiences shared, and lessons learned.

I’m not a woman and I don’t want to sound ignorant but there’s so many women who lack self love, so they project their insecurities and desperation for love and attention on other men. A lot of times it comes from not having a strong male figure to show them the love they need. A lot of men have insecurities, so they spend their time trying to prove themselves or impress other men to look cool and fill a void that they demean women in the process to feel like “The Man” but in actuality, they’re a scumbag who caused emotional damage to a young lady that didn’t deserve that. Men and women are built different emotionally, that’s why it’s almost always the man to cheat in a relationship rather than the woman. We both get horny but women naturally have more self control than men and typically, women have to actually like you to engage in sexual relations unless they’re under the influence of some sort. A man can see a woman on the side of the road that’s semi cute and he allows himself to be late to work just to get his dick wet by a lady he doesn’t even know. A lot of men have self control issues and it takes practice to become a master of your thoughts and emotions rather than a slave to them; and most men are slaves to their thoughts and emotions. It’s a process and it’s not easy at all. Women, they often internalize a man cheating as their own fault and feel less worthy, losing self esteem. In actuality, more times than not the man cheating has nothing to do with you. Also, men cheat with women that’s not as pretty as their girl because it’s less work. It takes effort and work to smash most pretty women, and most men don’t have the energy for all that on top of relationship shit and life. It’s stressful.

Looking at other relationships from the outside, you can’t judge at all. If someone gets cheated on, you can’t judge unless you have one on one and enough personal insight to give an educated opinion but even then you don’t truly feel the connection between the two people in the relationship with each other. From the outside looking in, you don’t know people’s boundaries, lifestyle, relationship rules, ideologies, and models. So even if a situation in someone else’s relationship doesn’t fit what you personally stand for, you can’t judge or ridicule because you two have different perceptions. We’ve all been a fool for somebody before and in this lifetime, everybody is going to hurt you in some way, you just have to find who is worth hurting for. If someone cheats on you and you really love them, follow your heart, it’s okay to give them another chance. If it’s repeated actions and continued disrespect, sit back and reflect, are their actions causing you more hurt than the relationship is causing you happiness and elevation? Is so, let it go. There’s great strength in letting go. Don’t be afraid of letting go, don’t be afraid of the unknown. We’re all human and we grow, we have new interests and wants, relationships included, and that’s okay. If someone wakes up one day and doesn’t want you, it’s okay. It may hurt because you believed them and you were attached, but as humans, we grow. The universe will bring you more peace and more experiences to enjoy, you just have to have the right mindset and outlook on things. If you truly felt like you were the gift, granted it hurts ending something you’ve invested in, but if you felt like you were the gift — then you didn’t suffer a loss.

 

Being posted online is cool but it’s become a societal mental illness. It’s become a competition for likes, retweets, and viral attention that people spend more trying to be famous than genuinely love and build relationships. It’s so sickening that couples fake relationships for monetary gain on platforms like youtube. There’s nothing genuine or organic about faking an argument or showing affection to be more in a hurry to share it online than truly embracing your partner. Being posted or not doesn’t stop you from being cheated on, nor does it determine or validate someone’s love and loyalty towards you. Not being posted doesn’t mean someone is hiding you or protecting someone else’s feelings. Personally, I don’t post things for the preservation of it. People say, “Social media only ruins relationships if you let it” but external forces can definitely manipulate relationships, cause problems, and a lot of people are miserable so that’s their entertainment. You don’t really know what things are a lot of times and if you’re not strong enough, if you prematurely try to announce something to the world without building that strength, then it can definitely be broken by external forces. It’s a hard concept to grasp but that’s just what it is.

With likes on pictures, I think that shit is weird as hell that people get upset over it. The purpose of social media is to share, like, and engage. The “like” button is a feature for a reason. I don’t care if someone is liking a picture of someone else. I don’t stalk, clock, none of that because I don’t think it matters. You stress yourself out and create hypothetical theories by doing so. Put that energy and brain power in some more productive shit, like your craft or figuring out your vocation in life. Until things go further than a like, than you shouldn’t be worried. The universe always reveals what you need to see with perfect timing, so it’s never really a need to go phish for anything. Put that time and energy into something more progressive.

People talk about commitment a lot and I had to do some soul searching. Personally, it’s not that I’m afraid of commitment but I’m young, I’m not perfect, I’m still growing and I honestly don’t know what I truly want. I’m still in the stage of figuring it all out. I know what I want and what I don’t want in a partner of course but I’m far from the, “This is my last relationship and we’re in it to get married” stage. With being young, curiosity is a thing, and I personally want to explore my curiosities before I’m in a situation where my temptation and curiosity leads me to doing something destructive to a marriage type relationship I’ve built.

At this stage of my life I get into things for the experiences. I’m not going to disrespect you or what we have and I’m going to be honest but you just don’t really know what things are sometimes. It could be temporary because that’s all it took to learn the lessons you needed. Understanding that, I’m not falling blindly thinking every relationship or situation is the home-run and will end in a fairytale, then ending up disappointed if it ends. I see the bigger picture of things. A lot of times in my life my role has been to help build a woman for the next man and I’m okay with that. I’m not at the stage in life where I’m five years into my career, lonely, ready for kids cause everybody else around in my age group is having a family and time is running out for me before midlife crisis. I’m still young and in my prime of figuring out my path, building my platform, creating a power social circle, figuring out what fits me, what doesn’t so I’m into things for the growth and evolution of it. That 100% doesn’t mean I’m here to waste your time or bullshit you. I won’t let the popular wants of social media rush me either. I’m not against relationships and getting close like I was before, nor am I scared and if we happen to last for the long run then that’s amazing but life happens and I hate for people to think we had a failed relationship because we ended things. No it wasn’t a failure, it just wasn’t our time. No hard feelings and we’ve grown from the relationship. But I rather go through that lowkey than broadcast it to the world, then have to turn around and explain it. Even when you think you know what something is, it can be broken by external forces. I don’t want the woman I’m dealing with to look stupid, and I’m not trying to look stupid either. If I’m invested, then I’m invested and let’s enjoy this adventure. Let’s get an understanding, be on the same page, and enjoy the adventure. Don’t let the mental illness of wanting to be fake shown off have you miss a blessing and some lessons.

That’s my take on dating and relationships right now. As I gain more insight and experience, I’m sure my thoughts will expand and evolve. Thank you for reading if you’ve made it this far. Love yourself first, love yourself more than you love someone else. If that person is causing you to question your self worth or not upgrading your level of self love and confidence, be strong enough to let go. Feedback is encouraged and difference in beliefs are okay, just be respectful if you care to share your differences. If you want to stay anonymous that’s absolutely okay, but if you care for your feedback and comments to be shouted out, then leave your social media username whether Instagram or Twitter. Have an amazing day, much love!

 

Stay classy, stay conscious. Bless up!

 

One of The Largest Unknown Diseases in America: Financial Illiteracy

One of the leading causes of depression, suicide, and divorce in America is something you probably would’ve never guessed; financial illiteracy. Not illiteracy as in not knowing how to count money, but more in depth on how money works in the system and how it can work in your benefit. The 1% aren’t the 1% because they “take from the poor”, it’s because they are financially literate. A lot of the knowledge and discipline is inherited through generations while there are others who learn through self education. There’s a quote I love, “Formal education (school) makes you a living, but self-education makes you a fortune.”

In what seems like the richest or most financially prosperous nation, did you know 76% of people live paycheck to paycheck, 50% of people have no money in their savings, and 70% of seniors have less than $60k in their savings? There’s a study from USA Today showing the millennials new retirement number is $1.8 million (or more). Sports Illustrated did a study of former NFL and NBA players. After only 2 years of retirement, 78% of NFL players are either broke or struggling financially. Within 5 years of retirement, 60% of NBA players are broke. Those numbers are crazy right? People make the biggest mistake of relying on school to truly educate them not realizing the hidden agendas in the curriculum to keep the cycle of financial illiteracy continuing. The schools won’t teach you and they’re not required to teach you, and for my “I take a personal finance” or “I take an economics class” people, you won’t even develop the knowledge there. If you will and have learned  so much, why are those numbers still so high? Those courses have been around for years, it’s a deception. To beat the system is takes knowledge and discipline. You know what gives you the most information for free? Yes, for free with no cache, monthly membership fee, or even any intitial payments. Google. Google isn’t only good for finding test answers or celebrity gossip, but it gives you information to win at life.

It begins with knowing simply placing your money in a bank is a fastest way to being broke. Every year your money loses over 2% in value merely sitting in a bank. So if you had $1 million in your account to start the year, then you would have lost between $20k-$30k in value at the end of the year. Not in number, your account will still say $1 million, but the value of the dollar has decreased. While the value of the dollar decreased over the year, the price of goods and services has increased. There is a term for that, inflation, and many people don’t even know what inflation is. Inflation is when the price of goods and services go up, but the real value goes down. Here’s an example:

With inflation, goods in America increase by 3% annually while your money grows .03% in the bank. So if a pack of gummy bears is $1 today, how much would it be at the end of the year due to inflation? If you said $1.03 then you were correct. Using the same equation for your dollar in relation to the bank’s interest rate, how much would your dollar be worth at the end of the year? If you said $1.003 then you were correct. So at the end of the year, you couldn’t even afford that same pack of gummy bears you once could in the beginning of the year.

Forbes did a study and found that you need over $1,800 today to buy the same good or service that was only $100 in 1936. Sounds petty? Well you need $137 today to buy a good or service that you could purchase for $100 back in only 2000. The largest issue to the whole thing is the amount of money being made by the working class citizens is not growing faster than the price of goods and services with inflation. Don’t invest money when you’re guaranteed to lose. I’m not saying don’t put your money in the bank, that’s NOT what I’m saying, but don’t place all of your money in the bank thinking the bank’s interest rate is what’s going to help you get richer or get ahead financially.

The average household in America is $15,572 in credit card debt. The reason being, people buy things they can’t afford with their credit card and the banks know that. So if you decide to purchase an item for $3,000 with 15% APR and you are paying $60 a month then it will take you 16 years to pay it off. That’s not the bad part. The worst part is actually that at the end of the 16 years you end up paying $6,641 in total. Why? Because the bank takes $36/$60 for interest. That makes it impossible to build wealth.

Banks make money with your money. Every dollar you deposit, they take it and loan it at a higher rate, and then charge us 4% when we want to borrow it. Author of Rich Dad Poor Dad, Robert Kiyosaki, says “Savers are for losers, invest”. Personally my greatest investment is with the foreign exchange market trading currency simply because it’s the same game the government, banks, military, fortune 500 companies, and other big business entities play. That’s not even the biggest benefit. I can watch my money compound in as little as a few minutes sometimes, the forex market will never crash, and as a retail trader you can’t shake the market (it’s $5.3 trillion in volume a day compared to the NYSE at $1.2 billion) so you don’t have to worry about every one beginning to learn how to trade currency. Funny saying all traders know, for retail traders in the market it’s simply the exchange of money from the impatient traders to the patient traders. Greatest advantage of living in the golden age of technology, I’m not merely an independent trader spending hours at a time looking at charts. It’s 2017, technology is advancing and evolving. I use a technological advancement allowing expert traders to trade for me, send me trade alerts, and learn from live tutoring sessions online given by the expert trades and an academy full of videos in simplest terms with visuals to help me develop skills to be an independent trader then later share the skill with my children. Literally anybody can do it. If you have a phone, tablet or iPad, laptop or computer, then yes you can do it. You can even type in words, “Good investment options for 2017” and find great investment options to help compound your money. The marijuana boom is on its way, so I suggest pay attention to some marijuana stocks. It’s really easy, but you have to shift your paradigm to begin having those thoughts on the daily to want more knowledge. Education begins with understanding and accepting that one truly knows NOTHING.

Nobody is saying do not place your money in the bank, but do not let the bank be the only place your money is going. Invest. There are various great investment options, you just have to do your research. Some will say, “Well not everybody wants to be a millionaire” and that is true but it costs to live, eat, for transportation, clothing, and to provide for others. With the statistics remaining true, the majority mindset is just a subconscious setback. Strive for financial and time freedom even if Forbes list isn’t your goal. Financial stability is the illusion which keeps the cycle of generations suffering from this illness of financial illiteracy going. Be knowledgeable and disciplined with your spending habits. If you can’t buy the item you desire five times then essentially you can’t afford it.

Let’s test your knowledge: Which would  you choose, a dollar today or a dollar tomorrow? It’s simple.

Whoever said “tomorrow” is completely wrong. Due to inflation and the banks interest rate, a dollar today is worth more than a dollar tomorrow.

Stay classy, stay conscious. Bless up 🙏🏾

It’s Okay To Be Misunderstood, Be Your Own Cheerleader

Being misunderstood is completely okay, embrace it. We live in a world where the unconventional and untraditional routes are often shunned upon. We live in a world where the vast majority of people subconsciously want to see you do what they want you to be doing instead of you doing what you truly desire. We live in a world where your dreams, aspirations, and the creative side of you are washed away so you blend in with the rest of the crowd. You were born different, you were born unique, why conform to a system that wants you to fit in? There’s a quote, I’m not quite sure who wrote it but I love it, “In a society that profits from your self-doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act.” You have a gift that makes you different from anyone else in this world, so tap into it and let your light shine bright. DJ Khaled says it all the time, “Stay away from the ‘they'”. “They” being those who are negative, doubtful, and don’t take part into speaking your plans into existence.

A lot of people suffer from a wicked disease, self-hate. They hate themselves so they want to dim the star you have of believing in yourself and your abilities. People will even hate (on) you because they see you’re doing something they may wish they could do. People tend to place their own doubts, fears, and personal failures on you. Block it out. Don’t let it pollute you. Chase your dreams and follow your heart. No matter how far-fetched or outside the box it seems, you can accomplish it so go for it. Anything you can think, you can hold. Don’t ever think any idea or desire you want to tap into is impossible, no matter your current life or even financial circumstances. Outside the box is amazing, being different is amazing, the unthinkable is amazing.

Society follows trends and tends to support what’s popular, so if you’re starting from the ground with no support then it’s okay. It’s truly okay, your time is coming and the cosmos are working in your favor. Just never allow yourself to get down. I know it’s hard and it’s easier said than done, but take it from someone who goes through it on the daily; yes, me. Even Steve Jobs was told the iPhone was a stupid idea and it will never outgrow the Blackberry because the iPhone wasn’t compatible for the business world, now look; you probably have an iPhone in your hand. Ironically the person who society labeled an “abomination in Obama’s nation” is one of the best people to listen to for motivation, Kanye West. He speaks to those who want to create, who loves their self, and set out to be different. Kanye says it himself, “My music is the codes of self-esteem, it’s the codes to who you are. If you’re a Kanye West fan you’re not a fan of me, you’re a fan of yourself. You believe in yourself. I’m just the espresso.” If you break down his lyrics he’s exactly right. Mass media has made Kanye seem like an asshole but if you listen to Kanye, he has a reasoning behind all his actions that gives you understanding and he even mentions he’s not perfect. None of us are perfect. We’re all perfectly imperfect. Along with positive public figures like Kanye West, DJ Khaled, and others there are books and animated books on YouTube that could give you an extra push. “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” by Deepak Chopra is one of my personal favorites.

If you are a creator, athlete, entrepreneur, bodybuilder, entertainer, or artist of some sort then you have to be prepared to stand alone. Especially when it’s not something along the lines of just going to school and working for someone else for 40 hours a week, for 40 years, to retire with 40% of what you couldn’t live off in the first place realizing you never truly did what you wanted to in life but became content with almost being unhappy then masking it with “living comfortably”. You govern yourself under the laws of the universe. Don’t let anyone dictate or create your path, take the pen and continue to write your own story. You have to be prepared to lose friendships and relationships. Have the utmost appreciation for those who stay down and support you because those are the ones who love you unconditionally, but don’t be discouraged if you lose people who were once closest to you. Be open to ending friendships and relationships that limit your growth. Timothy Ferris has a famous quote saying, “It is often the case that you have to fire certain friends or retire from particular social circles to have the life you want. This isn’t being mean; it is being practical. Poisonous people do not deserve your time. To think otherwise is masochistic.” That’s exactly when you have to be your own cheerleader. Wake up and pat yourself on the back for being different, pat yourself on the back for your steady progress, and pat yourself on the back for being alive! If you ever get stuck, feel lost, or even confused that’s completely okay. It’s all a part of the process.

Take it from me. With choosing to end my football career a lot of the “fans” and pom poms left as well. Without knowing why or even caring to understand, people only understand things from their level of perception and put a negative stigma on anything “different”. You realize all the love you once got was fake. It hurts but you have to appreciate it because when you believe in yourself and your abilities, the universe will allow things to manifest for you.

Being completely alone in Tempe, Arizona the beautiful scenery, nature, and daily affirmations are what move me everyday. Back to what I said earlier about society following trends and supporting what’s popular, once you blow up those same people will circle back around and end up in your face again. Trust the process and separate the real from the fake. Those who truly love you will stay down, and those are the only ones who deserve your time and energy. Live with positivity knowing what you put into the universe is what you get back and show love even when you may be receiving hate. No matter the situation, try to find the positive in it and know the cosmos are working in your favor. Everything will work out for you, everything will fall into place, and everything will manifest. All of us were born unique, but majority of us die a copy. Don’t die a copy. Stay positive, keep believing.

Life Hacks:

• Never let someone’s opinion of you make you question your worth or your existence. Their opinion is merely an opinion, and if it’s anything other than positive and uplifting, fuck them. Know your worth then add tax.
• Any idea or desire you have, write it down. Write it down and piece together ways you could bring that idea to life. Google, youtube, whatever. Don’t give up on that idea. The cosmos put the idea in your head for a reason, don’t ignore it. Even if it seems petty, it’s capable of changing the world.
• Read more. The average American reads one book a year, while the average millionaire reads one book a month. It’s not about who reads the most books, but who reads the best books the most. If your schedule is busy or you don’t have interest in reading books, try audiobooks. Personally, I love animated books on youtube.
• You don’t always need a set plan. With a never dying vision, insane belief in your abilities, and asking the universe to allow it to manifest for you, then it will happen. Trust it.
• Be social. Not in the sense of being a social butterfly, but you meet and come across people for a reason. Respectfully greet people. You never know what information that person holds in their mind or who they know, you two may share the same thoughts. The universe places people in your path for a reason.
• “You will get as far as the people you talk to for no reason, you will be as successful as the people you talk to for no reason. So if the people you spend most of your time with have nothing going on nor in efforts to make things happen, what type of knowledge can they give you?” – 50 Cent

Stay classy, stay conscious. Bless up 🙏🏾

The Art of Playing DB

Even though I chose to stop playing football, my love for the art of defensive back is still there. Defensive back is not just a position, it’s a delicate art; one false movement, then the band is playing and you’re on twitter being clowned. It’s so easy to hide on the field when you have help behind you but at defensive back, it’s just you on the island. Not “the” island, but YOUR island; claim your land. It’s the hardest position on the field. Sorry, not sorry quarterbacks. It’s 90% mental, and 10% technical.

Mental:

To become a master of your craft, you have to shape your mind to be the sharpest on the field; almost like another coach. Everybody doesn’t run a 4.2 40 yard dash, 4.0 shuttle, 38 inch vertical, or any absurd numbers to turn heads at the combine. Shit, half of the time you’re not even 100% healthy. Being mentally prepared helps you stay ten steps ahead and know what’s coming next before it even happens.

You need supreme confidence. Defensive backs are the rockstars. Even if you’re not openly boastful or cocky like a lot of athletes, Deion “Primetime” Sanders for example, you still have to know in your heart and in your mind that the receiver in front of you can’t fuck with you. Look at Darrelle Revis or even Vernon Hargreaves, never openly boastful but still shows supreme confidence. No matter what that receiver’s rank is, how many stars, offers, followers, or retweets, know that he can not fuck with YOU.

Swag is not what you have on. It’s a lot of people who look sweet with sleeves, bands, visors but scared as hell to check the best receiver on the field. A lot of people who look sweet get exposed. Swag is all in your confidence and how you carry yourself. You have to want to check the best receiver so you can expose how weak he is and help sharpen your craft. To be the best you have to go against the best and iron sharpens iron. Personally, I went to certain camps around the country because I heard certain receivers would be there and I wanted that work. Competition against the best is everything. Swag and confidence comes from putting the time in to sharpen your skill set, reading the playbook to understand your responsibilities in every coverage and coverage check, and watching film on your opponent to know what route he’s about to run just by knowing the formation in relation to down and distance, his alignment on the field, and looking at his eyes to see if he’s looking behind you or more so inside around where the linebackers and safeties are. (Quin Blanding, Safety, UVA pictured making an interception against rival Virginia Tech)

Studying your opponent is everything. I watched more hours of film than I’ve ever watched movies and tv shows. The average American watches 3.5 hours of tv a day, you need to replace tv with whatever program your team uses to watch film. I used to watch film during free periods at school, in class when I’m finished my work, or even if I’m at a game and it’s halftime. There’s been times I’ve been hanging out with a lady and I’m watching film clips, not tweeting or texting other people, but watching film. Film is your best friend. Watching film is what’s going to put you ten steps ahead. Film is how on 3rd and 7, when they’re in a trips set, and you can jump the route of the second receiver for a pick six even though he wasn’t your man as you hear the crowd scream your name. While everybody in the crowd thinks that was merely an instinctive and supernatural play, in reality you watched film for a whole month and knew that play was coming. Go back and watch my tape; a lot of the plays I made came from knowing what was already coming. A few plays on ESPN against Miami Central you will see I broke on the ball before it was thrown because I KNEW it was coming. I knew the hand signals from watching film, I recognized the down and distance, and I recognized the formation. Funny story, my dad still cursed me out after the game. He thought I should have picked it off. I probably should’ve but hey, we beat the shit out of Miami Central and those were still some amazing plays.

Even coming to college at ASU, as soon as I got my iPad I began watching film. Ask a few upperclassmen DB’s like Armand Perry (pictured to the left wearing #13) or Laiu Moekiola (pictured to the right wearing #28) for confirmation if you don’t believe me. During the summer I watched spring ball to get a feel for the receivers I would see in fall camp. It helped me have an amazing fall camp as a true freshman. Film is the cheat code to success.

A lot of kids go to camps in the summer now, or even 7v7 tournaments. Film doesn’t stop when the season is over. Look over the camp sheet to see which receivers will be in attendance or which receivers play for the 7v7 teams at the tournament. Watch their hudl and watch tape from the previous camps they’ve been to. I promise you, their releases and routes will be ran the same unless they work with Framp Camp then that’s a whole different monster. Even though it’s a lot of bullshit and unrealistic routes ran at camps, generally, everything will all be the same.

Study the receiver’s favorite and most frequent releases. Recognize if he takes an inside release he’s running an inside breaking route, and vice versa if it’s an outside release. Understand their alignment on the field and distance from the end of the line of scrimmage. If they’re under the numbers, more than likely it’s an inside breaking route. If there’s some distance above the numbers with room to the sideline, understand there’s something going to the outside more than likely. You have receivers who change their alignment to manipulate you but that’s a rare crew of receivers. Watch his body language leaving the huddle if it’s a pass or a run, even watch the offensive tackles pressure on his fingers in his stance to give you a pass/run tip. Studying for me was so big I have a couple of notebooks full of notes on receivers in my 2016 high school graduation class. Notebooks full. So yeah, get on the film.

Technical:

Master your skill set. It’s a lot of bullshit videos online and over social media with people doing the most in workouts. All of that stuff looks good, but it’s useless. People do a ton of cool footwork drill and you pop the tap in and none of it translates. Stay simple, and do what you know will translate. Jason David with STARS SoCal is a great guy to follow on Instagram (@stars_socal and @sensei_david42); all of his drills are effective and translate. I even had the opportunity to work with him a couple of spring breaks ago. (Jason David, former NFL star corner and founder of STAR SoCal pictured)

Your stance and your back pedal is most essential. You’ll be surprised how many DB’s (even in college) don’t know how to back pedal. Everybody’s not the same height, so the height in your backpedal may not be the same as your teammates. Be sure to be at a comfortable height so when you get out of your break and explode, you don’t have to raise up or drop and have any wasted motion.

There are different ways people teach planting/breaking and driving out of it. I’m a fan of simply putting your cleat in the ground and getting the fuck out your break. No wasted motion, no shifting your momentum, no getting stuck. Put your foot in the ground and change directions. Do what best fits you. Don’t change your entire technique up because you seen someone on tv plant a certain way, or something on social media looked cool or fancy. Do what’s comfortable for you, then master that.

The 45 degree break for the slant as well as the post and flag should be implemented in every workout. The box drill is amazing for that. There are different variations of the box drill, but make sure you add that to your workout. Another one to always add to your workout is the 88 degree break. A lot of people say 90 degree break, but I say 88 because if you go 90 then you’re even with the receiver. As a DB we want to break downhill, not side ways. No matter what you choose to work on for the day, always add a variation where you are working on planting and driving. (Adoree Jackson, former USC star corner, pictured above with interception against Stanford)

You don’t always have to put on cleats and go to the field to work on your craft. You can work on your breaks at home, in your room, or even (subtly) in class. Before you go to bed, squat down to the height you’ll be in your back pedal, and plant your foot as if you’re breaking in a 45 or 88 degree angle 100 times each foot. It doesn’t have to be overly dramatic, but stay controlled and stay inside your frame. When you’re in the grass wearing cleats, focus on being violent in your breaks, exploding, and staying in your frame. What’s your frame? Your frame is the one inch radius around you. Stand up straight and imagine there’s a circle around you with a one inch radius, that’s your frame. If your foot is outside of that radius when you plant, that’s how you slip or even hyperextend something. Don’t over think it too much and make it a practiced dance move, react. Defensive back is about reacting. Work at your craft so much it becomes muscle memory. You don’t know when or where the receiver may be going, so don’t cheat any drill you’re doing.

Tips:

• You won’t win every rep, but that doesn’t mean you lost. An “L” is not a loss, it’s a lesson. Learn from what you got you beat and fix it the next rep.
• Diagnose yourself with short-term memory loss. Not in real life, but on the field. You won’t make every play and you may give up a couple catches. Fuck what twitter says, fuck the jokes, forget it and make the play back. Your legacy isn’t broken from one play. The people who question your skill set from giving up one catch are idiots, just keep working.
• If you have trouble with judging if it’s a back shoulder or a jump ball, look at the chin of the receiver. If it goes up to the sky with his eyes following, the jump ball is coming. If his chin stays down with his head slightly turning back, the back shoulder is coming. Some receivers know how to turn and adjust last-minute, in that case it’ll be hard.
• Staying square as long as possible and keeping your leverage makes your job a thousand times easier. Don’t speed out in a back pedal but keep a comfortable distance with the 3 second clock in your head without letting the receiver break your cushion or leverage, it’ll help you jump routes a lot easier.
• Disguise your coverage every single time. Change your depths in between the cadence of the quarterback to throw off the idea he had of what coverage you were in. It’s a game of manipulation.
• Understanding your playbook and coverages like you know your last name helps you take more rational chances. You know where the hole in the defense is if you jump this route, so you know where the quarterback eyes will shoot towards if you need to recover (if you guessed incorrectly). Make plays, earn your coaches trust, and take chances.
• This is your summer. This is your fall. Every year is your year. Name your island, claim it, wear it proudly. You’re a rockstar!

(Levonta Taylor, Hyrbid Defensive Back, FSU pictured above in the garnet uniform)

Stay classy, stay conscious. Bless up 🙏🏾

The Prelude

After two YouTube videos, I come here to tap into the industry of blogging. Free writing such as expressing numerous thoughts, ideas, and feelings have always been a passion of mine. Writing with great context and consciousness has always been an outlet growing up due to the lack of trust and ability to vent to another being. I come here to not only express ideologies but create a community and a family of conscious individuals; sharing thoughts, ideas, and feelings towards topics helping expand each other’s perspectives and horizons. I’m not perfect and I’m not always right, but every piece of context will be full of respect, love, and peace. In the same breath, the truth of things will be raw and blunt.

I’m here to promote following your dreams and caring less about other’s opinions of you as I’m on the journey to do the same. Everything is a perception and everyone has their own. Everyone’s comprehension and understanding of things are completely different. Some people are built to see things as a glass half full, while others tend to see things as a glass half empty. With this blog what truly matters are the ones who are sparked by the context, and inspired to do more. What doesn’t matter are the ones who take a negative and hateful approach, quite frankly, fuck that crowd of people. The more time you spend releasing negative energy, the higher the chances of you blocking your blessings of manifestation. I’m here to follow my dreams, and help spark others do the same.

Stay classy, stay conscious. Bless up 🙏🏾